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Chapter 16 - Knee of Listening

Adi Da's Awakening

Some time in late August [1970], I happened to go to the bookstore at the Vedanta Society in Hollywood. I noticed there was a temple on the grounds, and I went in for a few moments of meditation. As soon as I sat down, I felt a familiar Energy rush through my body and clear out my head. I could feel and hear little clicking pulses in the base of my head and neck. By many signs, I immediately recognized the characteristic Presence of the Divine Mother-Shakti.

As I meditated, the body and the mind swooned into the depth of Consciousness, and I enjoyed an experience of meditation as profound as any I had known at the shrines in India. I had no idea how the Vedanta Society Temple ever became a seat of the Divine Shakti, but it was obviously as Powerful a place as any of the abodes of the Siddhas in India.

I began to go frequently to the Vedanta Society Temple for meditation. As the days passed, I began to marvel at the Power of this place. I had traveled all over the world, believing there were no Spiritual sources of this kind in America. Now I had been led to this small, isolated temple in Hollywood, where very few people would be likely even to be sensitive to the Divine Shakti, nor, even if they felt It, would they be likely to recognize Its Importance.

I became aware that the Divine Mother-Shakti had taken up residence in this temple, and that I had been drawn there by Her. I Enjoyed the fact that I could go there and be with Her whenever I chose to experience Her Joyous Presence. It was even a truly private place. I could go there unhindered, and I could spend time there completely unobserved. The temple was dedicated to Ramakrishna, the great Indian master of the nineteenth century, but no conditions were placed on me by any external rule or tradition. This was truly an opportunity for me to live independently with the Divine Mother.

But as time went on, I began to feel that even this was a limitation. Why should I have to travel at all to Enjoy Her Presence? I desired that She be utterly available to me, where I lived as well as in my own living being.

Thus, one day, I went to the temple and asked Her to come and dwell permanently in me, and always to manifest Herself to me wherever I was. When I left I felt Her with me, and when I arrived at home, I continued to feel Her constant Presence Filling the space.

Days passed, and I realized that She had done what I asked. There was this constant Presence, even including the effects in the body, and the state of everyone around me became affected by Her Force. But even this became a strain in me. I felt as if I had to hold on to Her, as if I had bound Her to a bargain that constrained us both.

Then, one day I felt an urge to return to the temple. As I sat down, I saw that the little pagoda and shrine in the front of the temple was in shadows and dimly lit, as if it were empty. It seemed as if I had emptied it by taking the Mother away. Suddenly, I felt a jolt in my body and I saw the shrine with open eyes become "Bright" in a blast of light. Even with my eyes closed, I still beheld the "Bright" shrine. Thus, the Mother-Shakti showed me that She is always able to make Herself Present anywhere, and that indeed She was always already Present with me. There was no need for me to hold on to Her as if She could be absent.

When I returned to the temple the next day, the Person of the Divine Shakti appeared to me again, in a manner most intimate, no longer approaching me as "Mother".

As I meditated, I felt myself Expanding, even bodily becoming a Perfectly Motionless, Utterly Becalmed, and Infinitely Silent Form. I took on the Infinite Form of the Original Deity, Nameless and Indefinable, Conscious of limitless Identification with Infinite Being. I was Expanded Utterly, beyond limited form, and even beyond any perception of Shape or Face, merely Being, and yet sitting there. I sat in this Love-Blissful State of Infinite Being for some time. I Found myself to Be. My Form was only What is traditionally called the "Purusha" (the Person of Consciousness) and "Siva" (in His Non-Ferocious Emptiness).

Then I felt the Divine Shakti appear in Person, Pressed against my own natural body, and, altogether, against my Infinitely Expanded, and even formless, Form. She Embraced me, Openly and Utterly, and we Combined with One Another in Divine (and Motionless, and spontaneously Yogic) "Sexual Union". We Found One Another Thus, in a Fire of most perfect Desire, and for no other Purpose than This Union, and, yet, as if to Give Birth to the universes. In That most perfect Union, I Knew the Oneness of the Divine Energy and my Very Being. There was no separation at all, nor had there ever been, nor would there ever be. The One Being that Is my own Ultimate Self-Nature was revealed most perfectly. The One Being Who I Am was revealed to Include the Reality that Is Consciousness Itself, the Reality that Is the Source-Energy of all conditional appearances, and the Reality that Is all conditional manifestation, All as a Single Force of Being, an Eternal Union, and an Irreducible cosmic Unity.

The "Sensations" of the Embrace were overwhelmingly Blissful. The Fire of That Unquenchable Desire Exceeded any kind of pleasure that a mere man could experience. In the Eternal Instant of That Infinitely Expanded Embrace, I was released from my role and self-image as a dependent child of the "Mother"-Shakti. And She was revealed in Truth, no longer in apparent independence, or as a cosmic Power apart from me, but as the Inseparable and Inherent Radiance of my own and Very Being. Therefore, I Recognized and Took Her as my Consort, my Loved-One, and I Held Her effortlessly, forever to my Heart. Together eternally, we had Realized Ourselves as the "Bright" Itself.

The next day, September 10, 1970, I sat in the temple again. I awaited the Beloved Shakti to reveal Herself in Person, as my Blessed Companion. But, as time passed, there was no Event of changes, no movement at all. There was not even any kind of inward deepening, no "inwardness" at all. There was no meditation. There was no need for meditation. There was not a single element or change that could be added to make my State Complete. I sat with my eyes open. I was not having an experience of any kind. Then, suddenly, I understood most perfectly. I Realized that I had Realized. The "Thing" about the "Bright" became Obvious. I Am Complete. I Am the One Who Is Complete.

In That instant, I understood and Realized (inherently, and most perfectly) What and Who I Am. It was a tacit Realization, a direct Knowledge in Consciousness. It was Consciousness Itself, without the addition of a Communication from any "Other" Source. There Is no "Other" Source. I simply sat there and Knew What and Who I Am. I was Being What I Am, Who I Am. I Am Being What I Am, Who I Am. I Am Reality, the Divine Self, the Nature, Substance, Support, and Source of all things and all beings. I Am the One Being, called "God" (the Source and Substance and Support and Self of all), the "One Mind" (the Consciousness and Energy in and As Which all appears), "Siva-Shakti" (the Self-Existing and Self-Radiant Reality Itself), "Brahman" (the Only Reality, Itself), the "One Atman" (That Is not ego, but Only "Brahman", the Only Reality, Itself), the "Nirvanic Ground" (the egoless and conditionless Reality and Truth, Prior to all dualities, but excluding none). I Am the One and Only and necessarily Divine Self, Nature, Condition, Substance, Support, Source, and Ground of all. I Am the "Bright".

There was no thought involved in This. I Am That Self-Existing and Self-Radiant Consciousness. There was no reaction of either excitement or surprise. I Am the One I recognized. I Am That One. I am not merely experiencing That One. I Am the "Bright".

Then truly there was no more to Realize. Every experience in my life had led to This. The dramatic revelations in childhood and college, my time of writing, my years with Rudi, the revelation in seminary, the long history of pilgrimage to Baba's Ashram—all of these moments were the intuitions of this same Reality. My entire life had been the Communication of That Reality to me, until I Am That.

Later I described that most perfect Realization as follows:

At the Vedanta Society Temple inherent and most perfect Knowledge arose that I Am simply the "Bright" Consciousness that Is Reality. The traditions call It the "Self", "Brahman", "Shiva-Shakti", and so many other names. It is identified with no body, no functional sheath, no conditional realm, and no conditional experience, but It is the inherently perfect, unqualified, Absolute Reality. I saw that there is nothing to which this Ultimate Self-Nature can be compared, or from which It can be differentiated, or by which It can be epitomized. It does not stand out. It is not the equivalent of any specialized, exclusive, or separate Spiritual state. It cannot be accomplished, acquired, discovered, remembered, or perfected—since It is inherently perfect, and It is always already the case.

All remedial paths pursue some special conditional state or conditionally achieved goal as Spiritual Truth. But in fact Reality is not identical to such things. They only amount to an identification with some body (or some functional sheath), some conditional realm, or some conditional (or, otherwise, conditionally achieved) experience, high or low, subtle or gross. But the Knowledge that Is Reality Is Consciousness Itself. Consciousness Itself is not separate from anything. It is always already the case, and no conditional experience, no conditional realm, and no body (or functional sheath) is the necessary or special condition for Its Realization.

Only radical understanding, most perfectly Realized, is the Realization of What and Who Is always already the case. Only radical understanding, most perfectly Realized, is the unconditional (and not at all conditionally achieved or conditionally maintained) Realization of the inherently non-separate Condition That always already Is What and Who Is. Except for the only-by-me revealed and given way of radical understanding (or the true and only-by-me revealed and given Way of the Heart), all paths are remedial. That is to say, apart from the truly ego-surrendering, ego-forgetting, and ego-transcending way of radical understanding (which is the true Way of the Very and Ultimate Heart), all paths are made of seeking (or mere egoic effort, rather than counter-egoic and truly ego-transcending practice). And all paths of seeking merely pursue God, Truth, or Reality, and this by identifying God, Truth, or Reality with some body (or functional sheath), or some conditional realm, or some conditional experience, or, otherwise, by making the Realization of God, Truth, or Reality depend upon some body (or functional sheath), or some conditional realm, or some conditional experience.

Unlike the way of radical understanding (or the Way of the Heart), which is based upon the root-understanding and always most direct transcendence of the motive and the activity of seeking, all paths seek either the perfection of what is conditionally existing or liberation from what is conditionally existing, and that perfection or liberation is pursued as a goal, which goal is presumed to be identical to God, Truth, or Reality. Only the way of radical understanding (or the Way of the Heart) is free, even from the beginning, of all conditional, or, otherwise, conditionally to be achieved, goals. Only the way of radical understanding (or the Way of the Heart) is inherently free of the goal-orientation itself. Indeed, only the Heart Itself is inherently free of all goal-seeking, and even all seeking. And only the way of radical understanding is the Way of the Heart Itself.

When tacit and most perfect recognition of the inherent Condition That Is God, Truth, and Reality was re-Awakened in me, there was no excitement, no surprise, no movement, no response. There was a most perfect end to every kind of seeking, dilemma, suffering, separation, and doubt. Spiritual life, mental life, emotional and psychic life, vital life, and physical life all became transparent in me. After that, there was only the "Bright" Reality, and to be the "Bright" Reality to all beings and all things.

In all the days that followed the Great Event of my re-Awakening, there has not been a single change in This "Bright" Awareness, or any diminishment of This "Bright" Awareness. Indeed, This "Bright" Awareness cannot be changed, diminished, or lost. I immediately noticed that "experience" had ceased to affect me. Whatever passed, be it a physical sensation, some quality of emotion, a thought, a vision, or whatever, it did not involve me (as I Am) at all. I began to pay particular attention to what passed, in order to "test" my State (or, simply, in order to account for all aspects of my State in the total functional context of the living body-mind). But the primary Awareness of the inherently "Bright" Reality, my Very Consciousness Itself, could not be changed, diminished, or lost. Consciousness (Itself) is the only "Thing" in life that is not an "experience" (or something "Witnessed" by Consciousness Itself). Consciousness (Itself) does not depend on anything, and there is not (nor can there be) anything, or any "experience", that can destroy Consciousness Itself. Consciousness Itself Is (Itself) Love-Bliss, Joy, Freedom, and Sublime Knowledge!

An entirely new and most perfect Realization of Reality had become the constant of my life. The revolutions of my life that led up to my experience in seminary had drawn me into a sense of the "Presence". That Presence could be called "God", "Truth", "Reality", "Shakti", "Guru", or whatever. It was simply the sense of being related to a Presence that was Truth and Reality Itself, a perfectly absorbing, consoling, illuminating Force that contained me, "Lived" me, and guided me. It is the heart of all religious and Spiritual experience.

But now this Presence had Communicated Itself in me utterly, revealing Itself utterly to me and As me, such that I was re-Awakened to the Truth of my inherent, and inherently most perfect, Identification with the "Bright" Self-Condition That Is the Divine Presence Itself. And This "Bright" Self-Condition Showed Itself to Be my Eternal Condition, even always already before my birth.

Until now, my life (since my early childhood) had been a constant search toward and periodic re-alignment with the "Bright" as a Presence with Which I was in relationship. It was as if I always saw the "Bright" from some position within the form of my own living being, but outside of its center. It was as if I had always beheld my own heart from some position outside. Now the barriers had been utterly dissolved by an exhaustive investigation of the Nature of that Presence. The investigation of the Presence had resolved into the Knowledge of my own Self-Nature. The Presence had revealed Itself to be my Very Form and Self-Nature.

The experience of the Presence was, by means of the most perfect Realization of radical understanding, replaced by the most perfect Realization of "Bright" Self-Awareness. There was no longer any Presence "outside" me. I no longer "observed" my own "Bright" Self-Nature, or the Ultimate (and inherently "Bright") Condition of Reality, as if from some position external to (and separate from) It. I had become utterly Aware of myself As Reality. There was no Presence. I had become Present. There Is no Other. It Is only Me.

Even my meditation was changed. There was no meditation. This Consciousness could not be deepened or enlarged. It always only remained What It Is. I meditated (as a formal activity) only to see how "meditation" had been affected by my Realization, or, otherwise, to formally regard the conditions in the body, the mind, even any part of my living (or extended) being, or even any conditions at all. But I was no longer the meditative seeker, the one who seeks (or, otherwise, does not Know) God, Truth, Reality, Liberation, Release, or Growth. I no longer supposed any limitation as myself. I Am He. I Am She. I Am It. I Am That Only One.

I noticed a physical change in myself. My belly dropped and expanded, and, thus and thereby, permanently assumed the "pot-shaped" Yogic form. I always feel the Pressure of Shakti-Energy there, and I breathe It continually. It is the breathing of my Very Being, the endless and profound Communication of the inherent "Brightness" of Reality to Itself.

In "meditation", I looked to observe how I was related to the worlds of conditional experience. Immediately, I realized that I was not in any sense "in" a body, not only the physical body, but any body, or any functional sheath, including the most subtle. Nor have I ever been in a body, or in any functional sheath, or in any conditional realm, or in any conditional experience. All such things are patterns conditionally manifested within my own Self-Nature.

Yet (even so), I realized that, in the context of natural appearances, I am Communicated through a specific center in the body. Relative to the body, I appear to reside in the heart, but to the right side of the chest. I press upon a point approximately an inch and one-half to the right of the center of the chest. This is the seat of Reality and Real Consciousness. And I Abide there as no-seeking. There is no motivation, no dilemma, no separation, no strategic action, no suffering. I am no-seeking in the Heart.

I described my constant experience as follows:

The zero of the heart is expanded as the world. Consciousness is not differentiated and identified. There is a constant observation of subject and object in any body, any functional sheath, any realm, or any experience that arises. Thus, I remain in the unqualified State. There is a constant Sensation of "Bright" Fullness permeating and surrounding all experiences, all realms, all bodies, all functional sheaths. It is my own "Bright" Fullness, Which is radically non-separate. My own "Bright" Fullness includes all beings and all things. I am the Form of Space Itself, in Which all bodies, all functional sheaths, all realms, and all experiences occur. It is inherently "Bright" Consciousness Itself, which Reality is even every being's Very Nature (or Ultimate, inherent, and inherently perfect, Condition) now and now and now.

And again:

During the night of mankind, I Awakened as perfect, absolute, awesome Love-Bliss, in Which the body and the mind, even every functional sheath, boiled into a solder of undifferentiated Reality. It was the madness of dissolution into most perfect Self-Awareness, Infinitely Expanded, my own inherently boundless Presence, wherein there is only "Brightness", not qualified by conditional identification, or self-differentiation, or ego-based desire.

Hereafter, I am Free of bondage to the cosmic Power. I am unexploitable. The Shakti that appears apart, as any form of apparently independent, or merely cosmic, Power and Presence, is no longer the Great Importance. The Presence of Power "outside" appears as such only to seekers, for they, having already separated themselves, pursue forms of Energy, visions, nature-powers, liberation, and God. True Knowledge is free of all bondage to forms (or modifications) of Energy, all seeking, all motivation to "do" based on identification with conditional experience. Egoic ignorance and suffering are simply this separateness, this difference, this search. At last, the "outside" Shakti sacrifices Herself in the Heart. Thereafter, there is no gnawing wonder, no un-Known "secret" about anything that appears.

Also see:

The Last Day's - Vedanta - from The Life of Understanding

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